P. Green at the Circus

 

The Following article caught my eye as I was researching some old newspapers at the University of Utah. Written by a colorful writer named P. Green. 

July 13, 1896 The Salt Lake Herald

P. Green at the Circus

The man who takes the tickets at the circus eyed me suspiciously as he let me pass in on a green ticket. As near as I could read, what mind he had in I his head, he feared I would be eat - pronounced et - up by some of the rude and voracious animals which helped to make his circus a howling success.

My hair being relatively uncut he thought it would be an attraction to the animals of herbivorous and ruminant propensities My diamond studs also he was afraid I would lose in the shuffle a ha I have the riveted on to my shirt With his X ray eye he could see that I had 85 cents left in my pocket and he was afraid I might not spend it before I was devoured. Well I got in and passed the elephant in safety also the peanuttist the lemonadist the chewing gummist I the caramellist the tea advertisement fannist the toy balloonist the SUCKS of candyist the cigarist the reserved I seatist and the fat woman who sells you a photograph showing her bustiousness or rotundity for 10 cents. So far I hadnt spent a cent except for I the green ticket from which I parted at the tin box.

No telling what foreign prince or potentate may yet purchase that selfsame ticket and being reincarnated as it were will view the same circus by which I am now expecting to enjoy myself. As soon as all parts of my system were or was inside the tent I began to absorb all the beauties of the occasion. Beautiful fizzing lamps lovely cushioned seats the cushions being made of stained pine Fine handsome men in lovely red coats pulling posts up out of the ground with a wagon tongue. Flags of all colors which seemed to have been forgotten in the last wash.

Strains of delightful music from the kings own band king of the roaring Ajibhewas and above and I below and within and without the atmosphere delicately laden with an I odor suggesting the perfumes of Arabia or the slaughter house.

While I standing admiring all these beauties and within myself communing within was suddenly hit in the back by a man who had a voice like a fog horn who remarked evidently to me. Hay Rube j get out o the alley an getcher seat. So I gotch it I placed my manly form carelessly and with my usual sang froid whatever that may been a hard and unsympathetic blue board which at a simultaneous moment was I projecting a sliver into the immensity of space and sections of me? And just then a gentleman from Draper pressed the toes of his boots into my vertebrae and a small boy rest his soul dropped a few peanut shells down my back I emptied the finely crushed fragments of shell out of my shoes this morning.

Well having become securely attached to my board and the management having become convinced that I would not miss any of it the signal was given and the show began. First came in the pageant of the pirates. Each pirate or attache sounds like tooth ache of the show drops all his other work and comes out from the stable accompanied by a sad and miscellaneous animal meaning a royal robe on which is painted a description of some choice remedy for bill or some other iousness also for corns head ache yeast powder boils felons oat meal plug tobacco hosiery that will not disappear in the wash nor stain your legs black mustard plasters hair restorers tinware laundry blue John sons black oil with a little dried fruit also a portrait of a young lady name not known trying to kick the top out of a plug hat for three gentle men who do not move in my set. The lady has on a pink bicycle suit as near as I could judge. It is either a bicycle suit or just air. Known also as atmosphere.

Well as soon as this pageant was over the animals each with his or her own pirate retired to the stable and the other things began to appear of which I can only tell you a few of the acts pronounced ax There was a gentleman and lady who rode on a horse apiece a party in my rear subdivision remarked to his girla hired girl I should judge not hired for the circus but hired by some family of high degree to cook wash dust chase insects make the beds answer the door bell mend the hosiery fill the lamps move the piano borrow truck from the neighbors wait on the table water tne plants tend the baby brush the clothes sprinkle the lawn mend the water pipes entertain visitors when the lady of the house is away wind the clock and carry in the coal for 52 a week A horse apiece. Is not the same as a piece a horse. A horse apiece means a horse for the lady and a horse for the gentle man while a piece of horse might be just a ham or horse rib roast or oven a boiling piece from the neck where the horses breath comes from. The lady had on a lovely blue sash and a rose In her hair besides a number of other articles which I could not distinguish in the hurry and bustle of the performance besides I do not know the names of them even if they had been visible.

She had a horse who was robust and broad on top giving good support for the feet not like my horse which has such a steep roof that when I ride him I feel as though riding on a hay knife. She stood first on one foot and then on the other proving that she had two feet with the usual complement of legs. The gentleman then gently took her by the belt and while the horses went dashing madly around the ring he held her on his knee which was very thrilling and I lost my programme down through the interstices of the row of seats on which I was sitting. After this I had to depend on what information I had already absorbed from it for what was about to go on so if I change the names you will please excuse me.

Signer Duflicket came out and danced on a clothes line. He was also chewing gum whirling a tin plate on the edge of a Japanese umbrella throwing into the air an as sortment of oranges knives chunks of fire bricks golden balls locks hinges and general hardware and balancing a feather on his nose.

Then little Bing bing came out and keeled over off from his mothers or fathers feet a could not tell which as the clothes in the circus do not make the man. Then Rosie Morn came dashing out accompanied by a few special toots by the brass band and after bowing to the audience and kissing her finger tips at the same time placed one foot deftly behind the other the toe resting on the ground the face wreathed in a smile that would melt cold gravy. She then climbed up a rope and did some tricks on a pitchfork handle suspended from the ceiling by two ropes not a whoa rope but just two pieces long enough to reach from the ceiling to the pitchfork handle They say that no man has yet been able to tell the exact length of a rope except a man who has been hung and as he is exceedingly dead as soon as he has acquired the necessary information it is lost to the world.

Then the clown came out with an elephant which could sit down like a man I noticed that a piece of roofing tin had been nailed on to keep from wearing the elephant out as the circus only hires or rents the elephant and has to return it in good condition until worn out. And then a monkey with whiskers came out the monkey not the whiskers and sung a song. He came from Ireland where the Irish come from and not from the land of the monkey wrench. There was a lot of others did tricks but I went to sleep and fell off the roost and was then put on a street car and steered for home by a silent and gentlemanly individual in a blue coat with brass on his buttons So no more at present.

from P GREEN


P S I forgot to say that I took Jane to the circus and she saw the same
things that I did.


P S 2 I have just turned in my financial report for the trip as follows
Weeks wages 2.15
Fined for monkeying around during office hours deduct .3O
Had left 1.85
Two green tickets including
Jane deduct 1.00
Had left 85
Two yellow lemonades .10
Later on two red ditto .10
Peanuts for Jane .05
Popcorn for me .05
Balloon for me .10
Gum for Jane .05
Whistle for me .03
I Song book for me .10
I Photo fat woman for Jane .10
Total deduct .70
Had left .15
Gave Jane .05 for car fare but
she preferred to walk home
and keep the nickle to spend.
deduct .05
Car fare for me deduct .05
Grand total l.8O
Balance in bank this morning .05
P S 3 What a rattling good time
we must have had.

P G